Because deepening our prayer lives, having a greater appreciation for the sacraments, and growing in virtue are such lofty experiences and goals, it’s easy to think that progress in these areas is totally outside of our control.
In a way, this is correct! Growth in holiness depends on God converting our hearts and giving us the grace to live his new life. We can’t force growth apart from God’s guidance and what he provides for us.
But, we DO have a role! We can choose to make ourselves available to the grace and provisions God is offering us for a growing relationship with him, or we can allow our lives to become so full that we have no space to receive what he wants to give us.
Changing the rhythms of our lives to receive more of God is difficult, but we can consciously work on this using the best advice for personal organization and habit formation available from modern and classic sources alike.
So, how do you form a habit? Here are 9 tips I’ve found helpful.
- Consistency is key. I was surprised to learn that it’s actually easier to start a daily habit than to do something three times a week. That’s because habits work off a trigger that sets a series of activities in motion ending in a reward. If you only use the trigger to start a habit on some days of the week, the association isn’t as strong and takes longer to build. This is also why many experts recommend sticking with a habit for at least thirty days before changing the pattern. That consistency cuts a new pathway in your brain that it will eventually get used to following with less and less resistance!
- Try habit stacking. Which leads me to one of my favorite tactics: habit stacking. Take something you already do consistently (such as drink a morning cup of coffee or brush your teeth), and tack on your new habit to this existing routine. Have your prayer time with that cup of coffee or practice the Scripture verse you want to memorize while you’re brushing your teeth. Location can help here too: pray before you get out of your car when you get to work or stop by a church on your way home.
- A little is infinitely more than none at all. It’s easy to let the perfect be the enemy of the good, especially when we’re trying to grow in holiness! It’s great if you want to pray for an hour a day, but praying for five minutes a day is infinitely more than praying for zero minutes! Progress is progress! Once your small habit is firmly established, you can stretch it to reach further toward your ideal.
- Hotwire your reward system. We don’t pray or do other spiritual practices because of the gifts God gives in prayer (though he is often generous with us!). Our goal is to open up space for God to work in us, whether we feel it or not. That said, reward is a crucial part of forming a habit. You’ll want to come back for more if it is consistently pleasurable or beneficial in some way! Consider lighting a scented candle, checking your prayer time off on a to-do list, or even simply lifting your hands in celebration (like you would if your favorite team scored) when you complete your prayer time. These little rewards give your brain a little dose of dopamine and keep you coming back for more!
- Face your obstacles like a scientist. If one approach to prayer leaves you feeling dry and disconnected over and over, don’t label yourself as a “bad pray-er”—get curious! Be investigative and curious, like a scientist, and experiment with different variables. Would praying at night work better than in the morning? Experiment and see! Are you working on having more meaningful conversations with a loved one? Try different locations to see if going out for a meal, going on a long drive, or taking a walk out in nature helps them open up. Investigate your existing bad habits and routines as well. What is triggering you to act in a way that you don’t want to? Sometimes removing the trigger can break the pattern without much conscious effort (e.g. moving your phone away from your bed so you aren’t tempted to stay up late scrolling).
- Upgrade your habitat. Sometimes making a few small adjustments to your environment can set you up for success. Your goal is to make it as easy as possible for you to make good on your good intentions. If you struggle with distractions during prayer, put a note pad next to your prayer chair to write down things you want to remember and get them out of your head. Keep your prayer books visible and easily within reach. Stick a bible in your car for waits in the school pickup line. Set a timer to get yourself to bed early enough to be alert for prayer in the morning or get to morning Mass. Put your phone on the other side of the room during your prayer time so it won’t be a distraction. Etc.
- Focus on what you can control. We can’t control whether our prayer will be mystical, whether the homily will be inspiring, or whether the people we work with will be easy to love. What we can control is our part in the equation. Set a goal you can measure, such as praying for a certain number of minutes each day or saying one kind thing to a difficult coworker each week. Focus on the gift of receiving Jesus in the Eucharist, whether or not the liturgy inspires you on any given day. Celebrate that you kept to your goal, whether or not you see any “results” for your effort. Often you’ll only see the effects after a few weeks or months of keeping at it.
- Expect it to be challenging. Jesus was clear that following him would come with challenges, setbacks, and difficulties. Don’t be surprised when you hit them! Everyone who prays faces distractions. Everyone who tries to be virtuous gets frustrated with their own sinfulness. Learn from people who are on the road with you or who have tread these paths before. Ask fellow disciples what helps them concentrate during prayer or receive the Sacraments fruitfully. Read the saints and learn from their strategies and practices.
- Don’t give up. Which brings me to my last point: don’t give up! Keep looking for ways to stay open and available to God, growing in love for him and the people around you. As my favorite saint, Teresa of Avila wrote, those who begin on the road of prayer must have above all a “very determined determination” not to abandon what they have begun, no matter what obstacles or difficulties get in their way. When obstacles come, don’t be surprised, get creative. Be persistent and determined to work through them, no matter what it takes.
